Strictly For Laughs!!!!!
This is the part where I have found stuff that I couldn't help but laugh at. There is some funny shizznit on da internet. Why not make my own little archive of it all? Somebody's got to do it. Enjoy ;-)!!!
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a
purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and
insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said,
she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always
right), an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.
She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The
president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so
much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The
president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I'll bet you $25,000 that your
testicles are square." The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was
impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the president.
"I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square." "Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure." The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"
WINDO 2003 -YARDIE VERSION.
It look like dem mek a mistake an ship out couple a copies a
WINDO 2003 -YARDIE VERSION.
If you fine seh yu ave a copy, no badder fret, mi ave di pill
fi de sickness (translatian fi di comand dem)
Ere dem is:
When yuh open di Yardie edition yu wi si di openin screen.
It read: "WINDO 2003", wit a background picture of Halfway
Wen yuh start di program yuh wi ear di Bad bwoy antem:
"Murda-ra Blood de pan yu shoulda" By Buju Banton.
Please also note:
Recycle Bin is labeled "General penitentiary."
My Computer is called "A Fimi Own."
The Inbox is referred to as "Barrel come."
Deleted Items are referred to as "Ole Bungle"
Dial up Networking is called "Ring mi Cellular."
Control Panel is known as the "Babylon."
Performing' an "illegal operation" is known as
"Smuggling not allowed unless part a di Govament"
Hard Drive is referred to as "Reema an Jungle."
Instead of an error message yu wi si, "Wapp'n! Yuh Nu know wa yuh a
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY INA DI YARDIE EDITION:
Cancel.........No badda dat man
Find............Look fi it nu
Help............(this is not a feature ..Jamaicans know it all an nuh
Stop............Mi Dun now
Settings........Di set up
Also note di keyboard setup! Di YARDIE EDITION na ave di letter "H."
Wi doan use dat ina wi vocabulary. So dis is ow yu mus type certain "H"
Heart ??? Art
Heavy ??.. Eby
Handkerchif ?.. Kercief
Holiday ??? Alliday
NB. Certain words will trigger the auto correct feature such as
"Smith" =Simit, this cannot be overwritten.
Many ave tried!! Dis triggers the "YARDIE GENERAL"
whos sound file says back off, yu nuh no seh we run tings an
tings nuh run we!!!
(The Office assistant no longer resides in the "WINDO 2003"
package as im get Box up by de YARDIE GENERAL wid a Heineken Bokkle) .
Please feel free to return any found YARDIE EDITION to the Home
Office for instant deportation back to JA
Out of the mouths of doctors.................
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the
cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress,
and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were
several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes
later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of
a "massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he
informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a
new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had
him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man
had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal
of the old patch before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have
you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why,
not for about twenty years--when my husband was alive."
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast
this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the
jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
And Finally . . . . .
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing
female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed
a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was
performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed
him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I
tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was
I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."
A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while
he was performing colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the
9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in
fact, up there?"
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel,
did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel
"I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where
my hearing aid is."
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly,
"You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember
him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came
up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and
couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the
promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks
went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read:
"Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the
ocean.We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster
and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed
back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out
when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear
a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually
alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a
ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again
carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door,the husband cries out: "Watch that wall!"
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park
bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He said,
"I have a 22 year old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning
and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and
freshly ground coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" He said, "She
makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then
makes love to me for half the afternoon." I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
He said, "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my
favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said,
"Well, why in the world would you be crying?" He said, "I can't
remember where I live!"
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long
time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and
thought,but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend
glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared
at her. Finally she said "How soon do you need to know?"