Veggies


A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were all sitting around one day 
talking about how much their lives sucked.
The cucumber said, "Man, my life sucks. 
Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad.
"So," the pickle looks at him and says, 
"You think you have it bad? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, 
someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me, and sticks me in a jar." 
The penis glared at them both and said, 
"You guys think you have it rough? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, 
they put a rubber tarp over my head, stick me in a dark room, 
and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out.





*~Halmark Rejects ~*

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life... 
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.
 
2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life... 
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you 

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am.... 
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me. 

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go.... 
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again. 

5. Someday I hope to marry... 
(Inside card) - Someone other than you. 

6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age.... 
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike! 

7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me.. 
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.
 
8. We've been friends for a very long time..
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?
 
9. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here. 

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy... 
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was? 

11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... 
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.
 
12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday...
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.

13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia)
 
14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder... 
(Inside card) - What was I thinking? 

15. Congratulations on your wedding day!... 
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband 




*~ Pefect Cures ~*
1.If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be
almost instantly removed.


2.Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.


3.Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by
simply using the sink.


4.High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for
awhile, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.


5.A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze
button.


6.If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be afraid to cough.


7.Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will
forget about the toothache..


AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life
really are: You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't
move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct
tape. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. If you woke up
breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!





*~ Calling out Sick ~*
Employee:
"I'm sorry boss, but I can't come in today. My doctor says I'm
suffering from Anal Glaucoma."
Boss:
"Anal Glaucoma??? What the hell is that?"
Employee:
"Well basically, for the next few days, I just can't see my ass coming in
to work."


~*Don't Talk To Strangers At The Mall *~

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. 
A young man walked up to  the bench and sat down. 
His hair was spiked and dyed in a rainbow of colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow.
He was also heavily tattooed and multi-pierced. 
The old man glanced over at him and stared  for a long time without uttering a word. 
The young man finally spoke and sarcastically said, "What's the matter Old Timer...never done anything wild in your life?" 
Without batting an eye, the old man replied: "Got drunk once, had sex with a peacock...just wondering if you were my son."